That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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