She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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