The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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