Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
