yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
