she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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