Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
