I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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