Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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