Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We were destined to go to rehab together
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
