I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
