theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
