Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
