you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
