Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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