every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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