allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
