She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
