Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
