How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
