hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
third nipple confirmed
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
