the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
