Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
