if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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