Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
