i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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