my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
