Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
