I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
