Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
