Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
