I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
