Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
