I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
