when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize