My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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