i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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