He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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