dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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