Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
