If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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