I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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