I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
