you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize