If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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