is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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