Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
