just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
