Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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