if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
