I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize