I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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