i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
