So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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