i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
