saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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