how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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