She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
