They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
