I think I won the penis lottery.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
