The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
it's like heaven, but drunker
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
