Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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