mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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